After much pondering, prayer, fasting, studying, and a couple of Dos Equis, I have come to the conclusion that there is a similitude between faithful church membership and marriage, and that discovering the truth, or lack thereof, about the church is, in many ways, analogous to discovering the truth about an adulterous spouse. At least it was for me. This whole thought process came about as I was trying to make sense of why I continue to obsessively frequent RfM and other online forums. Why is it that many of us who have been hanging around here on a daily basis for years just can't seem to let it all go, despite our contempt and distain for the corporation? I realized my need to commiserate with other exmos online is, in fact, quite similar to my need to understand the havoc wreaked by my former spouse.

But I digress. As a brief background, I was married for many, many years (6,697 days to be exact, but who's counting?), to a beautiful woman. We both come from stout pioneer stock, BIC, RM, temple marriage, and together, we have four adorable children.

The typical BIC individual is thoroughly indoctrinated from day one, and church "membership" technically begins with baptism at 8 years of age. I say technically, because everything prior to your honest-to-goodness temple marriage is just preparatory. Your church membership, in my opinion, is not actually consummated until the day you grasp your partner with a silly handshake and kneel across the alter, look a church official in the eye, and promise the officiator that you will love, cherish and obey the Church forevermore. From that point on, you're married to the church. It is just coincidental and symbolic that you took on your spouse in the same ceremony.

Sex with your spouse? Spousal familiarity is secondary to your intimacy with the corporation. You wear the organization's uniform 24 hours a day. That symbol of your fidelity to the corporation is in constant intimate physical contact with all of your naughty parts --much more so than your spouse ever will be. You can't so much as go to the bathroom without that continuous reminder that you've made an eternal commitment --to the church.

Additionally, until and unless you've done the hokey-pokey at the alter in the temple, you are a second-class citizen as far as the church is concerned. Don't believe me? Look around at any unmarried or divorced person over the age of 30, and it is plain to see that they are simply not accepted 100% into the fold. They're coddled, of course. And they can take the sacrament just like the kids in Jr. Primary. They may be given a teaching job here or there, or chorister, or greeter, or event coordinator, but they don't get to have intercourse with the church in the true sense as someone in a leadership position.

Your marriage to the corporation requires all, and more, of the same commitments you might make to a spouse.

Fidelity: Usually unstated, but well understood, you are not to set foot into another church unless it is a clinical, septic event such as passing through as a tourist to see for yourself just how gaudy and paganistic the gentiles really are. And don't even think of worshiping your god in that type of environment.

Confidentiality: In a court of law, you cannot be compelled to testify against your spouse. Likewise on your first time through the temple, you make a solemn oath of confidentiality and loyalty to the corporation, even agreeing to have your throat slit from ear to ear should you violate this vow. That covenant alone creates a powerful emotional attachment, and it is reinforced every time you return to the temple. Somehow, that makes a one-time marital commitment of "until death do us part" pale in comparison.

I could go on and on about the similarities. Love, devotion, adoration, honesty, commitment, trust, loyalty, time, resources, faithfulness... Each one of these traits, expected of you in a spousal relationship, are doubly reinforced as expected behavior in your marriage to the church. Hell, you've even volunteered to sacrifice yourself via blood atonement for violation of the loyalty thing. And just as you expect to receive these same promises of fidelity and commitment in return from your spouse, you rightfully demand that the church offers you the same level of commitment that it expects of you.

So that brings me to my current situation, where it has now been nearly seven years since I discovered that the former Sister Exmosure was doing the deed with one of my closest friends. There is no better liar than an adulterer. The warning signs were all there, of course, but I ignored them. Just like the big 800 pound Joseph Smith the Gorilla, sitting unnoticed and ignored, in the middle of every mormon family's living room. But we were committed. We loved each other. We had made solemn vows of fidelity, and I knew that I was being true and faithful, so how could I even fathom that she might be otherwise? When it became too obvious to ignore, I resorted to high-tech means to discover the truth (kind of like relying on the internet to discover the truth about the morg...) Even then, although I moved out (i.e. went inactive from my marriage), it was a full year before I could bring my self to divorce (--or to send in the resignation letter, as it were).

To this day, that marriage is still a big part of my life. I don't love her. I don't even like her. But 6,697 days creates a lot of history. And children. You simply cannot ignore the past. Familiarity breeds contempt, and there is not a day goes by, even several years later, that in the privacy of my own mind, I do not have extremely unkind personal thoughts of my former spouse.

Uncovering the lies of the corporation is, on so many levels, analogous to finding your spouse naked under the covers with her/his lover. And after so many years of familiarity, one is left with contempt. There is the same sense of betrayal; the full gamut of emotions: Sadness, hate, embarrassment, disillusionment, anger, frustration, bewilderment, but at the same time a recognition of freedom and the opportunity to start over. I suppose that I continue to lurk online in an effort to understand and realize that I am not the only chump to have been so thoroughly deceived by an adulterous spouse.