The Erosion of My Belief

In losing my belief in the church I have gone through the most momentous and significant paradigm shift in my life. What I have gone through will be as life altering as my marriage or my daughter's birth. All my life I have been a firmly believing Mormon, feeling that I was born with a testimony. While I have often been cynical and sometimes bitter about Utah and church culture, and have always held some eyebrow-raising beliefs like evolution, I have always been a true believer. I have never had a period of church inactivity, even during my teenage years. During my life I never seriously doubted the truth and historicity of the Book of Mormon, and Joseph Smith for some time became my hero. I held a firm belief in the afterlife as it is set forth in Mormon theology, as well as a conviction of the reality of the pre-mortal existence. The way I looked at the world was completely conditioned by my understanding of Mormon doctrine and cosmology.

Of course at some time in our lives we all have questions about things, and I have certainly had my share. I occasionally wondered about some of the awkward sentence constructions in the D&C, why Jacob teaches that the name of the Messiah will be Christ, when both words mean essentially the same thing in different languages, what was up with polygamy, etc. I'll go into more detail below, and most of these questions really seemed like minor details anyway. But we are conditioned to set those doubts aside, saying to ourselves we'll have eons to learn about them in the next life, and maybe even have a chance to ask Joseph Smith personally about some of these things. As good Mormons we should be too busy to worry about such things, and our testimonies give us the assurance that whatever problems there are, we know in the end that Mormonism is 'true'.

Although I never doubted that the church was true, I have been searching for a greater witness most of my life. Before my mission I claimed that I just knew because I didn't have any big conversion experience to relate, and because I had never doubted (I wanted to think that I was simply born with this special insight because I was so valiant in the pre-mortal life). When I prayed for an answer after finishing the Book of Mormon for the first time I got nothing, and I read it cover to cover at least twice before graduating from high school. If I thought about it hard enough, I could make myself feel good because I had finished it. I had a few other experiences during my youth, including some 'warm fuzzy feelings' like those that you can pick up at sentimental movies, as well as some that were peaceful and spiritual, not just emotional. There were many of these small 'spiritual impressions', but none seemed clear enough for me to be able to honestly say "I know this is true." Some experiences were stronger than others; I once had a powerful, 'burning in the bosom' experience at a missionary fireside in high school that made a lasting impression. Thus my testimony grew, but none of this was enough for me to say 'I know' and feel honest about it. I did what we have been taught to do though, and took the sum of these impressions as my spiritual witness. I think people have different thresholds for saying 'I know.' Some are comfortable with saying "I know this is true" based what I consider an insufficient foundation. I wasn't really at ease saying "I know" with what I had, but I don't want to give the impression that this was a problem at that point - I was young and had a long way to go. Looking back, I would say that my testimony was no weaker than what most active, faithful members have in high school. Even if I didn't quite have the witness I was seeking, I was confident that others like the Apostles did have a clear, unquestionable knowledge.

Not feeling like I had a complete witness motivated me to seek a deeper foundation for my faith, but spiritual experiences were few and far between. Whenever I would get disappointed about my lack of a more definitive witness, I would just tell myself that I shouldn't expect another witness when I already just knew it was true. Over time this excuse became unsatisfactory to me and I began to pray intensely for a deeper testimony. I desired to reduce the dependence of my testimony on 'borrowed light.' I wanted to really know for myself, independently of others, that what I believed was actually true. This began while I was a freshman at BYU. I remember spending pleasant evenings by the carillon tower, batting away bugs and reading my scriptures by the spotlights. I went fasting and praying up Y mountain, and spent a hot Sunday afternoon there sitting on a boulder, reading and pleading for a testimony. Nothing came beyond the normal peaceful feelings I always have when I am alone and outdoors. Many times I just sat and waited in silence after prayer, trying to clear my mind in order to feel the whisperings of the Spirit. I would overanalyze my feelings, wondering what the Spirit really feels like, and if what I was feeling was really it. The Spirit seemed awfully elusive; I found it hard to get a good signal-to-noise ratio. Again though, this didn't really bother me too much. I was taught that you couldn't force the Spirit, so perhaps it was normal that my spiritual experiences did not correlate with the times I fasted and prayed for a testimony, or with anything I did for that matter.

Also during my freshman year at BYU my intense interest in Joseph Smith was first ignited. During an English class we read Joseph's remarkable 'King Follet' discourse. Although what I read was a distillation of at least three different records of the sermon and not a true word for word transcription, the tremendous force of this discourse impressed me deeply. I had never read any of Joseph's non-scriptural works, with the exception of the few quotes here and there one hears frequently in Sunday School or seminary. I had never been so directly confronted with Joseph's remarkable personality and charisma. I was fascinated by Joseph, and hungered for more. I soon purchased The Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith and read it cover to cover before my mission. A whole new window on the Mormon past was opened to me.